I need a biiiiiiig hug and cuddle. And to not have to work so I can focus on healing. Neither feel like a real option right now. Self soothing is so difficult because to have to do it is a reminder that I am soooo lonely. I don’t feel comfortable sharing this with the people I love because I don’t want to burden them and I also idkkk... it feels like it’s not that deep. Or that I’m not trying everything I can to feel better.
I am looking forward to finishing this zine, starting needleworking, playing minecraft, cooking with my friends, finding tickets to wireless for fucking cheap hopefully, planning my summer, and who knows what else time will bring! I have a lot to look forward to~ I can start anything any time. I can do what I want. My time is mine!
If I could talk to her out of compassion, I would say...
Babe, you are moving at your own pace. You deserve to be surrounded by love, and people who you trust enough to be intimate with. I'm sure that there are many examples in your life where you practiced bravery. I'm sure that you are doing the best you can. The way you are right now is enough, and if you never changed from exactly how you are now then you would still be worthy of love. If you don't want to open up to me, fine--that is your power, you get to make that decision. At the same time, you deserve for your voice to be heard. You don't need to assume people can't handle your autonomy.
If I could talk to her in anger, I would say...
FUCK YOU. There's nothing wrong with me, you're just afraid. And guess what? So am I. The difference between you and me is I practiced bravery. If you don't honor that about me, you don't deserve to be around me. Remember when you said you admired my emotional literacy? What I wanted to say at the time is, "What I just shared with you is really fucking basic, and if this is something you admire then I'm actually wondering how deep your fear of communication goes." Remember when you said you were sorry? You've said that more times than you've said you love me, and you said both without knowing me.
So I am proud of myself. For recognizing this, for directing all of my frustration at her (where it belongs) instead of at myself. I am proud of myself for honoring my values; I was courageous, I was vulnerable, I was honest, I tried to communicate, and the only reason why it didn't work is because SHE didn't. It isn't my fault, in fact there are few things I would have done differently. It genuinely is her fucking this up. It's not something that I personally can fix. It's not something I WANT to fix. I honestly just don't fucking deserve to. I deserve for a bitch to be courageous right alongside me. And if she doesn't want to, it's not my fault... its hers
The last time we saw each other, she looked incredibly uncomfortable to see me. I actually don't deserve to be looked at that way. It was humiliating, I felt like a nuisance. I tried to talk to her about it and she failed yet again. She actually tried to deflect it on me, it was the closest she ever came to communicating her fucking feelings, but not only was it too little too late... it was so fucked. I am ready to respect her needs and her desires--she just isn't fucking telling me what they are. I just wanna shake her and yell at her, how the fuck are you gonna be non-communicative then be resentful when you don't get what you want? And blame me?!
But it was actually true. This bitch doesn't know how to communicate. And I want her to be able to so bad because I'm away from my queer community and in desparate need of friendship, and she's SO HOT and SO COOL. But she just. fucking. doesn't. I can see her having whole conversations with herself then projecting the conclusions she reaches all over me. When I ask her directly what she's thinking, what her opinion is, what her perspective is, her answers are vague. She literally gets triggered, she stutters, she freezes, and the fear on her face is visible. If she has any self awareness about her avoidance and fear of... idk sharing? she hasn't told me.
So first things first, I've been reading tarot for 8 years now and in that time I have learned to trust my intuition more. Several months ago I read in pairs for another person and myself--basically, I read about the relationship we will have with each other, and our chemistry. The cards literally told me, "This bitch doesn't know how to communicate because of trauma." I remember saying out loud, "This says you're emotionally reserved because of something you haven't quite gotten over, which surprises me a lot!" And it did, because up until that point (we BARELY knew each other) she had been putting on that cute front people do when they first meet.
Also when I signed up for this, I did it with the intention of saying everything I didn't wanna share w normies on fb, but I find myself policing what I should and shouldn't publish. I'm going to work on treating this very much like a diary that everyone is allowed to read. I want it to include anything just as vulnerable that I'd write in a diary, I don't wanna perform for an audience... I guess I just wanna connect and know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. And I want other people to know that too.
Some days I will wake up and be like "Am I actually recovering from trauma, am I just faking all of this, how do I know it's real?" and other days I will wake up like a sentient zombie and remind myself to consider how dead I feel the next time I doubt that I'm actually going through a really tough time right now.
I also have a problem with wondering if my feelings are legitimate. How do I give myself space to feel and unpack how I feel without categorizing those feelings as wrong or right. I tend to think, ¨Does this reflect reality¨ before I even let myself fully feel. I want to say ¨I DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY¨at the same time that I want to say ¨THE WAY OTHER PEOPLE BEHAVE LOWKEY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU¨
I am going to experiment with my feelings. Embracing all these feelings that I eventually hope to let roll off my back... I can't get to that place if I don't process them. There is also a lot of power sometimes in letting feelings take over.
It´s hard not to want to make myself softer, more gentle, to question why they can´t open up to ME specifically. But that has nothing to do with me. I am not inadequate. Tbh I am already a gentle listener, if you wanna feel heard and unjudged I am your gay. It´s also hard to accept that they are making the choice not to open up, because I don´t want them to... but they are. So. Ahaha I have to accept that. I´m trying not to take it personally. I definitely feel some resentment.
Trying to live with cptsd and be cute at the same time, succeeding and failing depending on who you ask and the hour of the day.
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